so yesterday, i gave mahal my belated gift for our 3rd monthsary. It's actually just a simple photo collage of our pictures together placed in a frame. And then to add a personal touch, i wrote something at the back on the picture frame.

I could just imagine how pysched I was while I was still planning on what to give him as a gift, to scouting for creative and romantic ideas over the internet, to writing down what should be written on the gift somewhere, to printing the pictures and putting it all up. what was so funny because I had to finish my present while mahal is about 10 feet away from me. HAHA

Anyway, so much for the boring part. let's just move straight to the cute, mushy and romantic part. So there, mahal was just sooo cute when he received the gift. He was acting all goofy pa while I was walking towards him to give the gift. He was amusingly screaming. HAHA making the corny situation funny. HAHAH

and then when he tore open the gift wrap. dang! he almost cried. HAHA like I literally saw him teary eyed. And then he hugged me for about 30 seconds. begging me to turn off the video coz he was so shy----oh well let's not talk about the video coz my wicked sister got it deleted--. anyway, it's all stored up here in my mind and in my heart.

haay wala lang. I just realize I am really crazy inlove with mahal right now. I was just soo happy seeing him that happy. That i almost made him cry. hehehe wala lang. so happy happy!

walalung

i hope he doesn't resent me for giving myself a treat... for a job well done last semester... and i hope tophe won't bust me for not being able to pay this month's rent... i am sooo dead... ehehehe

but i guess i deserve this... totally!!! like it's been a year since I last had my hair treatment... it's about time noh!

odd :(

Okay I have a boyfriend, and we've been a couple for less than a month pa lang.
Everything is perfect, I love him he loves me. He has a kid though.

Hiwalay na cla nung mom ng kid. The reason was because the girl is just not right for him. The girl is promiscous, a compulsive liar, and am outright bitch. Everybody knows that. Even my boyfriend's family don't like her.

So yun, they parted ways last summer and we became a couple last month. Now, as I mentioned earlier, everything was perfect until a news came. My boyfriend's sister spilled some deep dark secret of his ex. A secret that goes to the extent of the ex having a video scandal with some random guys and an affair with my boyfriend's cousin and younger brother. And to make things worst, the affair happened while my boyfie and the girl were still together.

It strucked him so hard coz their family is quiet close. You would really see how each member of their family cared for each other. And boyfie said he just couldn't take it that his younger brother and cousin would stab him at the back. I mean, he trusted them.

So now, boyfie is acting really odd. He's not the usual sweet person I used to know. It's midterms week and he's not yet going through his notes to study. He might be caving in and sulking around to heal his broken heart.

And now I'm left clueless on what I should do. Should I give him space? like cool off? So he can take his time off without worrying about what I feel. So he can focused on moving on. This sounds a good move.

On the other hand, I also think that I should be there and help him go through this.
So Should I just stay and wait for him until he's better?

Vanilla Sky

that is exactly how i feel right now. I just came from a love-filled Restday. As usually with my Constellations. My do. My Aerlowe.

First off was tuesday, we had lunch together, he brought food at home, good for all three of us. And then we stayed at home and made some lovin'. And then at around 4 in the afternoon we went to Jy to meet angel and went to the market to buy our dinner.

And then we cooked our dinner together. At night time, we talked for a while about his teenage years and I just came to know that he was a total wreck in highschool. A good wreck :). And then I helped him study for his midterms exams. I even made a summary for his pol.sci exam.

We slept together in our room. And then in the morning he cooked breakfast for us. awww! :D this one is suuuupppeeerrr kilig! :D

We had scrambled egg and dried fish in the morning and made a special chocolate drink for me. Waaaaah! kiliga jud nako ani oie.. It wasn't the food man jud kay saun ra man lutuon to. It's the effort that he got up early to cook something for me. awww!!

and then we went to his school where he gave me my own VETMED shirt. awww!! pagkaSWEEt nalang jud. haaaayz

wala lang. I know that we've just known each other for less than a month. But to me it felt like we've known each other forever. I don't really know how to explain it. I just feels so happy, so contented, so special and taken cared of.

It felt like I'm not afraid if I ever get lost, coz I'll find me in his arms.

I never even imagined this is possible, that two people can really feel love for each other. It's only now that I realized that magic is real. :D

you

you are my sunshine.
the cool morning breeze that caress my skin.
the fragile yellow flowers that greets me down the street.
The last song I listened to that I can't seem to get over with.

you you you aerlowe. :)

Aerlowe doh...

a lot has happened in a span of two weeks. Yeah we counted the days since we officially sealed it as a couple.

But one marvelous moment I couldn't forget was when he introduced me to his relatives and his little brother.

Anyway, today was just an ordinary day. We went to church and then went to emall right after and then had our lunch in Talamban where we ate the ever delicious Balamban Liempo. yumyum!

And then we went home and cuddle a little and kissed a little.

It's been only two weeks yet it feels like I've known him for two long months.

I can sense that he's a good person. Someone who'll always consider my feelings. Someone who seem to always want what makes me happy..

Oh yeah, we had our first LQ ever! hahaha coz I was making a fuss out of him not allowing me to come with him at his Karate practice.

But then eventually he gave in to my whims. hehehehe

Wala lang. happy2x kaau mi. Happy2x kaau ko! :D

:)

a memory from a not-so-distant past... that's Bryan.

I'll work through the ends of the world with you. Aerlowe.

silent mode :D

Today I went to church with my silent mode of a boyfriend. :D He was late and I had to wait for him at jollibee for the 9:45 am mass. And then we went home and cooked lunch together at my place.

It was nothing but a simple date. It was nothing but ordinary, just as he was nothing but just any guy. Yet he was everything at that specific moment.

I don't know. Everything seem to fall into it's right places when I'm with him. I feel so confident, so at ease, so happy, so uncertain yet assured. :D

Haay love it is. As I was saying, he was not at all my type. He's not the typical I'd go for but boy why do I always have this nagging feeling that we belong with each other'? ayyyeeeeh!

Just this morning I learned that his favorite number is 9. ayeeeh wala lang, pareha mi. I know it's silly but nakilig lang xad ko. hahaha

And he also meet my bestfriend Casey. Casey thinks that we got hitched too soon. But for me, it doesn't really matter. I've known him all my life. I know his parents, his siblings and he was my gradeschool classmate, highschool school mate. ANd he likes me, I like him. For that streching the courtship too long is irrelevant. :D

Haaay I know, this relationship also entails a lot of effort. I just wish that we can both work through it. :D

lowe :D

hmmm I am at work right now and for some reason my tummy won't stop getting all kilig!! waaah... i keep on remembering him. I keep on thinking about him.

As in, I could even last an hour just staring at the wall doing nothing but think of him! damn Aerlowe Relatorres.

I once wrote an entry about him on my diary two years ago. I met him at the bar and then we danced and hugged for like an eternity. It was such a sweet memory. I could still vividly remember how comfortably I leaned on his shoulder that time. How he just clipped his hands around me while he steaded me. How we were lost somewhere distant.

It was a sweet memory for me. I could even remember day dreaming about that hug the next day. whew!

Anyway, so fast forward..I somehow got him on my facebook friend's list. WE chatted and he asked for my number.

After a week I guess. he asked me out! hahaha

So we had our first ever date last tuesday. We ate at Fuente. Walked to Escario. And talked in IT Park. And then he walked he home.

And just like last night and the other night.. It was plain conversation. Like we're just good friends. Not a slight hint og flirting whatsoever. Not a single cheezy word! And I found it really cool.

So yesterday, he accompanied me process my TOR at school. And then we went to SM at Happy Herbs. And then we played at WOF. And then ate Zagu.

After that we went to Nikiban's place. He bought and cooked chicken not only for me but for the rest of the people there.

And yet again no flirting at all!

Haaaay I could only say so much! I am not sure what exactly is happenning to me. He is not at all interesting based on his hobbies, past experiences and interests. He doesn't play basketball that much! He doesn't travel! He doesn't even know how to play the guitar!!! But he's a Karate kid! hehehe

oh well, I guess it's too soon to lay all the cards on the table. We'll see where this thing could go.

draft

so I asked patsy to help me figure out the song with a lyrics that says "Cause I still love loving." And as usually, he was of no good at all. So i had to figure that out myself. hehe peace pats!

Anyway, in about 15 minutes, i remembered the song.. its Dream About You by Stevie B. and here are some excerpt of the entire lyrics:

Cause I still love, loving you.
How can I get you to see
That I'm falling apart
Since you've been gone,
I can never be sure
I could ever let go
Your love is much to strong,
There are somethings that I guess
I'll never know,
When you love someone
You got to learn to let them go.

Oh well, it's exactly what is happening to me right now. It's weird but yeah, for some odd reason I still think about my ex. And wish to fall inlove again with him.

You see, my life is going so well lately. Received a boquette of flowers and a cute stuffed toy and some sweets from an admirer. I have this online love affair. And a textmate.. and A very cute officemate who keep could always make my day sweeter that ever!

I mean, I can have a boyfriend in just what? a week? days? or even seconds!

But then, my heart is just so stupid to still think of him. damn!

shit

yeah, and that was another one hell of a night! I had so much fun that I immediately passed out the moment my head hit the bed.

well just an update, things got a little twisted lately. Last monday the last person I ever expected to see that night showed up from nowhere. As in, just when the vehicle was about to turn left i saw him. My ex. My oh sooo problematic and complicated ex. The ex that I obviously still loved. Yes, I do. And I get disappointed everytime he spills all the shit he's been carrying all these years. And I hate it, I hate that I wish I never went back to even be civil towards him and talk to him.

Now, he's bothering me again. Asking me too much than I am capable of giving. BS. I am so tired of it already. He asking too much that he's draining too much energy from me already. I know he needs me now, and that's all. He can't possible love me. He just don't show any sign of a person who's truly inlove.

One, he keeps on blackmailing me. He keeps on threathening me that he'll ruin his life if I don't come back to him. And that's just too frustrating! Why in the world is he such a loser a jerk!

Second, what was he thinking all this time? That he could just show up in the middle of the night and expect to welcome him with open arms? He's nuts! What does he really think of me? Am I sort of rug doll to him that he can play around and then toss in the corner just when he's tired of me and then pick me up and play with me again. another piece of crap!

If there's one thing I know right now is that. I want ALL or NOTHING! It's either he gives his best foot forward and show some effort in making our lives better, or he might as well leave me for good.

I am tired already. There is no way I'm going back to that shitty situation ever again! No amount of words could ever fool me again. Not a single promise right now is worth my time.

As again, I don't need words dude. I need result. Action.

fretzch I know that you do not have any plans of getting back together with that asshole. But I also know that the sight of him together with his ex is making you excruciatingly uncomfortable. It is painful, yes. Because you still feel something towards him. Or maybe because the sight of him and her brings dejavu of that fateful day when you found out that you were being cheated on behind your back.

That's okay fretzch. You had every right o be angry...before. But not now coz, you're no longer together. And the best thing to do right now is to love yourself. treat yourself. You cannot control them. So do not allow them to get the best of you. Do not allow them to ruin your life. Just let them be. Buwag na bitaw mo.

Sige lang fretzch, mahappy ra lage gihapon kah. time will come.

i am fuming mad at this very moment grabe!

I can't believe i fell for that one hell of a loser!

I hate that pathetic bitch for posting those pictures of my ex.
I hate my ex for smiling like a crazy clown with his ex and his friends.
I hate me! for falling for a pompous git!

I know i don't have any right to be mad anymore coz it's over between us. But then who cares? this is my blog and i cannot repress myself for feeling so angry.

Maybe I'm not mad towards Bryan. I am mad with the bitchy Robs. For ruining everything and for getting everything that I once wanted!

Yeah, I am insecure. I hate her for that very reason. She cheated on him yet she still has his hearts and soul. That is the reason of course why he would always come back to her whenever he had a chance to do so.

Grabe jud! She was also introduced to his family and they even went out together when his tita came home. shiiiiiiiit! how can life be so unfair? she cheated, she was the bad girl and I gave up everything I worked for, for that stupid asshole but then it's still the bitch. The bitch still got everything I've always wanted.

peste jud. baga'g nawong. shit lang jud!

And now our relationship even ended because of her. xa gihapon! peste nah! cge lang. It's all over na man xad. At least it's all over. they can fuck whenever they like for all I care!!!!!!

it's over na fretzch. It's over now. It's okay to be hurt pero it shall pass. Tama na to 2 years nga kalibog. It's over now. It's over now fretzch.

Someday soon, you'll get over it. Someday soon, even if you see them face to face, it would no longer hurt this much.

Just believe fretzch that you can do this. You can move on. haaaay

You have nothing to do with him na fretzch. wala na xa sa imo life. Ug dili naka dapat namroblema pa karon tungod niya.

Tama na fretzch ha? tama na please.

My friends are unbelievable. No I guess that is only angel. I haven't got any emotional support from her since Bryan and I broke up. She never even bothered to check on me. She never even bothered to ask if I was okay. And then, when I try to reach out on her she doesn't seem to listen or to get me. All she cares is her lovelife and how happy she is. She doesn't care about me anymore.

Casey now has her own boyfriend. And that leaves me all alone. All by myself.

I dunno, maybe I hate Angel or maybe I hate myself. It's just that, nobody seem to understand me. let alone Bryan! shit.

i dunno, they don't seem to miss me. Not at all.

They don't seem to care anymore. They're just so happy with their lives that they don't care about there friend anymore.

I can't do this anymore.

Murag kelangan na jud cguro nako magresign. I am not happy anymore. i need to move to a new horizon. To a new environment, with new people around me. With no one knows me, with no one who knows about my pain. That would at least justify why nobody would care.

Coz it hurts like hell to have your friends around who wouldn't even give a damn on how you feel.

No let me correct that. Chora and Casey cares about me. Angel doesn't.

back to square one

now I'm back to square one. To where I started. Because I was stupid enough to trip to the same gutter again! What was I thinking. No I wasn't even thinking. I allowed my wicked emotions to get over me.

And I am so tired. Tired of hoping and getting disppointed eventually. I've hurt him again because I don't wanna be hurt anymore. I had to hurt to keep him away from me. I wouldn't be good for him anyway, just as how he wasn't good for me.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why do I still feel bad about everything despite him cursing me left and right, despite all the verbal abuse and manipulations. I guess I expected too much that we finally had the connection. I thought he'd understand. But he didn't.

I guess that's who and how we are, we cannot co-exist with out pulling each other down. And that is "US", that's not me all along! So I should probably stop taking all the blame. It is not going to help me. Never.

So how do we start now?

A good long cry perhaps? I can do that now.

Change my cellphone number? That is a must. (and of course delete his phone number-which I fortunately do not memorize)

get myself busy...

But how do you actually see the brighter side of the situation when you are in the dark? wa na jud ni. leche nah!

untitled

I don't think I'd like to be with him ever again. It is just not right and it doesn't feel right at all. I guess I don't love him anymore. It's now more of a pity towards him---at least that's what he's trying to make me feel. He's trying to appear hopeless so I'd take him back.

But I've done so much in my life right now. I've build up too much safeguards already so I don't fell in the same tricky trap again.

And I've had so much drama and family conflicts last year. I can't go through that again especially now when things are slowly getting better for us. And I just don't feel it is ever worth it to risk it all again.

But why oh why do I feel still feel bad about all this?

I can only do so much. I tried to be a friend to him and he can't accept that it's all I could offer for now. He doesn't care about how I feel at all. He doesn't even give a damn on making things right--for him, for me, for us.

I wish I have a friend right now. right beside me who help me mull things over, digest the reality in front of me and get through the pain.

I guess... I have someone...

I am not alone at all. God got my back.

Me is thinking of him...

I am actually getiing used to burying all the painful thoughts deep inside my head. And every single day, I try so hard not to revisit that place in my head by trying to get my self busy.

Today, I was of course answering emails, I swear I was not thinking of him but somehow my subconsious is sending me signals to get my attention. Out of nowhere, wala nakakanta naxad ko'g sad lovesong. It's not even a song that I normally hear everyday. It's like an old old popular song back when I was just a kid, daydreaming about my own lovestory. whew! take a look at the chorus of the lyrics.

"'di ko kaya ang limutin kita,
Masdan mong lumuluha ang aking mga mata
Pigilin ko man akoy nasasaktan
Ang katotohanan ay mahal parin kita.."

And then sometime last week, i was also singing a song I didn't even thought of singing!

"Long ago, and oh so far away
I fell in love with you
Before the second show
Your guitar it sounds so sweet and clear
But you're not really here,
It's just the radio

Don't you remember you told me
You loved me baby
You said you'd be coming back
This way again baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby,
Oh baby, I love you
I really do

Don't you remember you told me
You loved me baby
You said you'd be coming back
This way again baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby
Oh baby, I love you
I really do

Loneliness is such a sad affair
And I can hardly wait
To be with you again
What you say to make you come again
Come back to me again
And play your sad guitar

Don't you remember you told me
You love me baby
You said you'd be coming back
This way again baby
Baby baby baby baby
Oh baby I love you
I really do

Don't you remember you told me
You love me baby
You said you'd be coming back
This way again baby
Baby baby baby baby
Oh baby I love you
I really do"

grabe, every neurons in my cluttered and deprived head seemed to be screaming how and what I really feel inside. I love him. I still do love him. leche!

	Meiko - Heard it all before.mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

so is this the part where we say goodbye?

It's been almost 3 months now, but why don't I feel any better?

It doesn't really feel any better. not at all!

And what could be more worst than realizing things I was trying bury in the deepest corner of my consciousness.

I guess the real struggle in moving do not end when two parties finally says goodbye. In fact, it looks like its only getting started.

God, it seems like it's never going to end. Like, I'm just going in circle. Like, I'll never be happy again without him. Like, the best thing to do now to throw my pride out of the window and get back together.

But seriously, after all I've been through? kini pah?!? di ko makaya?!

joke!!!! :-(

...

I guess that’s the hardest part of moving on. It’s letting go of the memories. Letting go of what used to be and accepting that that’s all there is for now. That, all it’s gonna be are memories. And of course trying to accept that everything that has happened was for the best interest of everyone. That no matter how hard and painful the break up was, it was the right thing to do at the given circumstance.

Certainly, there were more than one reason why I had to let him go. I love him but as the song puts it “sometimes love ain’t enough”. I just needed to break it off because I don’t feel loved and respected. I don’t feel special and I never felt that I was someone important in his life. And just how scared I was, He was somehow reluctant to let the world know that I am his girlfriend. I guess I never felt that he was proud of me.

Another thing is that, I just needed to regain my self worth. I lost it to have him and it turn out that I wasn’t really made to live without it. I have to have it with me always. I was brought up by the family to be the kind of person who lives up to her principles and values. And it just wont’ work if I don’t have it otherwise that would mean I was loved not for the person I truly were. To cut the long story short, I wasn’t at my best when we became a couple. I sold my self short. My parents know it, God knows it, and I know it deep inside.

It wasn’t right at all but that doesn’t change the fact of course that I had loved him with all this heart could ever offer. I trusted him despite everything. I learned to care for him, for his future and how he felt. I actually learned so much from him. Thus, what we had was never really a waste.

For the very first time, I learned to trust a man no matter how hard it may seem. I learned to look beyond the surface and loved him regardless of who he was, what he has done and what he never did. I loved him for who he was, I loved his pain, i loved how he smiles at me, I loved how he seemed to need me to make him feel safe, like how I make him feel that at that precise moment he has a place in this planet where he truly belongs, where he was always wanted.

I actually felt terribly sad that I can’t do it anymore because I was hurt so much. And I’m just too scared. Scared too much to go through the same pain again.

But I shall not forget those afternoons where we’ll just hang out at the soccer field clutching our favourite drinks and favourite snack food---chicharon. I shall not forget how he used to surprise me with fruits at my doorstep. I shall not forget how we laugh our hearts out till it's impossible to breath. I shall not forget how blissfull it was as we used to cuddle and talk about making our own family and how afraid we were to lose each other. I shall not forget how he used to help me with my laundry when I'm feeling to lazy to do it my own. I shall not forget how sweet he was when he’ll ask me to cook him corned beef. I shall not forget how silly we can get around each other. I shall not forget how we giggle while walking at the mall and laugh like nothing in the world ever matters. I shall not forget how safe it feels to go out and go to Fuente Osmena with him at 3 in the morning. I shall never forget how we adore and desire each other. I shall never forget how crazy we can get around each other. I shall never forget how happy we were while we eat our breakfast together.


I shall never forget that once, on April 13, 2008, there was Banaku and Asawaku. And yabku and cilingan.

	Meiko - Under My Bed .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

the bryanfretzch remake?

seriously!!! this can't be happening? I'm tangled up again with a guy who has an unfinished romantic business???


last night I met with glenn to finally put a closure to whatever we have started. I was scared that my stomach was turning inside out yet at the same time i know I was ready to finally let him go. To finally admit to myself that there's no way I'll ever consider having a relationship with him.

I so planned it and funny thing was when I was on my way to Mcdo, I was even silently praying that he'll show up as rugged and as yagit as he always do, so it would be easier to stick to the plan. Which he did! (don't remind me of the nails eww!)

But somehow, it turned out that it wasn't us who needs a closure. It was his pathetic girlfriend. How did I learned about this? Well, I thought Glenn was trying to lie his way in. So, i dared him to ask his ex to come and see me so we all could talk about this mess that she had accused me of. Glenn even showed me his text messages and his Ex's reply. To cut the long story short, his ex bailed and admitted that they're done for good.

But I quiet remember the text says about "what happened between us, wla na to!) And of course I asked glenn to make things clearer for me. To make me understand. And all I got is a shallow and suspicious explanation. hmmm(wonders) did they slept together?---When? was it during the time Glenn was courting me?

Goodluck na jud... This can't be serious. I don't know what the hell was I thinking.

Haaay basta. All i know is that I was kilig last night that Glenn made an effort to clear things with me and was man enough to say sorry and admit that it was his mistake and even promised me that he's gonna make it right. Somehow, it felt good that someone actually was afraid to lose me. That someone values me.

but who knows when's this feeling gonna last.



Well, pardon me with my unkind words. i just can't believe there's still a girl nowadays who'll play the martyr type. Hmmp sad!

yet again...

I just recently learned that sailorman already had a girlfriend.

Wow! all this time I was feeling so bad at myself for not returning his calls or answering her text messages. I felt like shit when he was not worthy of any remorse in the first place.

And I can't help being scared of how the next guys' gonna turn out. Is he gonna be just like Bryan and Glenn? Would he look at me like I'm good for nothing?

I know that Bryan and Glenn does not necessarily represent the entire XY population. Not every male in this planet is a cheating bastard. Someday, at the right time cupid is gonna be kind to and give me someone worthy of my love, my time and everything that I'd be willing to give.

Good thing, it did not really hurt that much. I never really loved him anyway. I only had my ego bruised. Thank god I didn't fell into the same trap again since we're already slowly becoming more intimate with each other.

Somehow, it looks like God has always been there to watch out for me. And it's amazing how God plotted the events to make me realize that I should always listen to what my heart says. That I should not ignore my gut feel and for once just let him work his way to help me meet the right person.

I believe i am a good(looking) person! hahaha surely there will be someone out there who's gonna sweep me off my feet and who'll in the same way fall madly inlove with me.

	Meiko - Reasons to love you .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

long ago and oh so far away

I just missed how we used to be.. I just missed how we used to laugh with each other. I missed holding his hands. I missed lying in bed beside him. I missed cooking for him. I missed how I used to love him. I missed him. I missed us.

Just this evening I've had an amazing conversation with my teammates. They made me realize something I've been trying soo hard not to mind. Something I've been trying to deny myself. grief. pain. lose. I never admitted that I was feeling such. I only knew I'm not okey, that there is something wrong with me. I thought i could go on with my charade. But I can't, it's always there. The pain is always there.

As Noeh puts it.. 'fretzch, stop acting like you're not affected at all. Stop acting too strong. Stop acting like you can get away with it. Stop pretending like you're okay now. Stop caring about what people say. Start caring about yourself and real friends will understand.

And I hope they will. Coz lately I've been so disoriented, disorganized, lost. It seems like I don't even know what I wanted to do anymore. Like eveything that I do, I always have to put my family's needs first.

And of course, it is not okay. I might be putting up this happy face but who knows when all this bottled emotions start tearing me down.

pare unggoy

at 18 i had my first boyfriend..
at 19 i had my first kiss..
at 20 i had my first love..
at 17 i had my first real heartbreak...

you.you.you my euphoria!

my heart is drenched in wine. He is always in my mind. I missed him so. So much and I wonder how he is now, who he is with, and who he’s talking to. I missed him and for the most part of it... I still love him.

But then, I can’t just go back now. No matter how tempting it might seem. It's just soo tiring to go back.

All I can do now is pray for him, that he might be able to move on with his life. And that despite of everything, I’m hoping that we’ll be able to friends again, to talk and laugh together again. He was always a good company. I guess I just missed everything about him. How we held hands together as we walk our way to outpost or IT Park. How good it felt to be wrapped around with his embrace. How ecstatic his kisses are. How we laugh our hearts out with the silliest thing. haaay bryan blues..

He’s been so much a part of me that it’s just not easy to get him out of my system. He will always be the first best thing I ever knew. I bet he doesn't even know it. He doesn't really care. He just don't realize.

It still hurts like hell though that, that's all there is...memories...memories i can't seem to let go of.

But I don’t have a choice, do I? I’ll have to move on for myself and my family. Because I know myself, I’ll never be happy hurting other people, especially my family who wants nothing but the best for me.

I’ll never doubt my decision. I know I made the right decision because although I’m hurting, I have more peace of mind. I missed him but I’m happier with myself and more contented.

what goes around comes around...

ayan, here you are crying in front of me.. begging me to take you back.
Don't you think it's a little bit late now for a conversation?

I'm done crying for you...
I'm done hoping you'll come and tell me you love me...
I'm done waiting...

I'm sorry for how I gave up on you.
It looks like you never expected it.

And for the most part of it, we're done dude.
It's over, so just get the hell out of my life.

You had me in the palms of your hand, yet you let it all split away.

As Justin Timberlake puts it,

"Is this the way it's really going down baby?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around."

still, i love you... still i hope that you'll be able to forgive yourself.
Still, i wish you the best things that life could offer.
Our love... it had a tragic death... but it was a sweet 1 year and 9 months... and that's all there is for now.

Goodbye banaku.

21 and counting

21 days and counting...
since we broke up.

I know I could pull this off till the 30th. Just as long as I don't see either him or the girl. I'm so far okay, although occasionally I still think of him. Just like when I go home last night, I still think of him. Of how he's doing these days, who he is with or what he might be up to now.

But definitely, I'm getting there. I'm starting to get the hang of it. And soon enough everything will be fine.fine.fine. Time, I believe, will make things better for me when it doesn't hurt that much anymore to look at him.

and that day is yet to come!

my own pseudo relationship

it barely 2 weeks since we broke up.
Yes i've been counting and for the past days my reaction to the situation is surprisingly the same.

just flat.normal.empty.hallowed out.

sometimes, i just find myself staring blankly at the white ceiling in our bedroom,
literally thinking nothing.

thinking about how paint could be so spotless, it seemed so endless.

just like how i feel at that precise moment.

the pain has not sink in yet.

and it scares me a bit that it's just around the corner waiting for the perfect time to inflict me.

but I know, i'll have to go through it to finally move on.

I can't forever pretend that it didn't bother me at all.

But then again, I guess I shouldn't stress myself out worrying about what may happen next.

what ever will happen will happen, whether I don't get enough sleep thinking about what waiting for me ahead.

It's gonna happen regardless.

I'm just gonna have to have a little faith in myself that whatever life may bring me, i could definitely pull it off!

damn it!

pseudo relationship

Pseudo relationships
I got this from friendster. See if you can relate to this one. :)
~~~~~

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.
It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro." Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong setup ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?

Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.

For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.
Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.
My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."

Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.
Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.

Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya� almost, but not quite.Posted by suplada at October 13, 2004 12:49 AM

a piece of advice

In a brief conversation, a man, speaking to a woman, was out to pursue the question, "What kind of man are you looking for?"

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asked, "Do you really want to know?"
Reluctantly, he said, "Yes" as she began to expound...


"As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself.

I pay my own bills.

I take care of my household without the help of any man- or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, 'What can you bring to the table?'"


The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money... I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.

She said,


"I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection Mentally. I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man.

I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection Spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... Believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.

I need a man who is striving for perfection Financially because I don't need a financial burden.

I am looking for someone who is Sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but Strong enough to keep me grounded.

I am looking for someone who I can Respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive... He just has to be worthy.

God made woman to be a helpmate for man. At this point, I can't help a man if he can't help himself."


When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face, and exclaimed, "You're asking for a whole lot!"

To which she gracefully replied...

"Only if you think I'm not WORTH a lot.

laptop

i just dated adrenaline rush today!
yun he accompanied me to check out some laptop at the mall. And then right after that, we went to colon and we had lunch there, his treat of course.

It was fun at least.
He's cute but I just realize that he wasn't really that cute.
I dunno how to classify him.
If he's really bugoy or not.
well, at least how he's trying to project himself is like this...

he's childish and oh so eager to be my boyfie, to the extent that he gets so annoyingly pushy sometimes.
he doesn't get me.
he doesn't understand every single word I say.
he's selfish and won't respect my decisions.
he smokes a lot.--like he smoked twice, in front of me.
duh!
but then he's cute...
but i think he doesn't measure up to my standards now...
ambot lang....

he's not capable to provide me my needs as a lady...
he's just a kid... saonz

and now he's calling me aggain and I just don't feel like answering the phone.---grrr sorry glenn!

i'm kinda excited nah...
coz, im gonna buy our laptop tommorow!!!

oooww sweet!! how good can it get!!!

hehhehehe

lovely.

a former crush/classmate just told me last night that I was his crush way back in college. haha He told me, i have a beautiful smile and that he just find me cute. He even told me that I shouldn't be sad coz im pretty with a happy face.

course! i got so kilig and all but i never believed each word he said.
i was kilig and that's it...
perhaps that makes me wiser than before.

hahahha

anyway, yesterday, got lmy insecurities wallowing me up again.
Made me more irate than usual. Made my brows cross!
and made me curse facebook!

it's just not that easy to see him and the girl oie!!
the girl is pretty but she's no brainer than I am!!
hello lang... she's nothing more than a pretty face. She's not even that pretty atay lang...

ambot oie, normal man siguro ni ako nafeel xad...

what worse pa is i feel so grumpy these days to fix myself. god!

pero duh! i can't let them win!!!

saonz nalng!!!

i can miss him and everything that we used to do.
but it's no brainer to want to be with him again.
katangahan. kagagahan. istupida!

he's not even worth my time.
he never worthy of anything.
he's a bum.
a good for nothing guy.

as Felix of One Tree hill puts it...

"that's how bad guys get away with it, because girls give them the benefit of the doubt"

haaay,

wala na ngang ginawang tama, gumawa pa ng mali!
he definitely needs a big letter "L" in his forehead.
what a rel downright LOSER!!!

empty. hallow. bruised

how can be feeling like this.
empty.
i don't feel anything.
remorse..
remorse towards him.
i felt so much remorse, that i don't even remember if I ever loved him.
or how it felt when i still loved him.
i have almost forgotten it...
almost..
but ever quite completely...
but in time, i trust God and myself that everything will fall back right to its places.

no matter how hopeless it might seem.
I'm gonna forgive and forget.

break up blues

it's barely 6days since we broke up.
6 days....
6days....
it was just 6days... but it felt like 6 months.
the memory of 'us' felt like a distant past now. I hope its because im starting to recover... but it looks like i'm missing it instead... haaay

anyway, 6 days...
6days....
a lot can happen in the following days. what could possibly happen to me if the ill feelings starts wallowing me upside down?
I'm scared because of a lot of reasons. I'm scared that I might not be able to function well. Like do my obligations.
you see I have my little sister with me and she's my responsibility. And I really don't wanna be a burden to anyone else.

like my friends, I'm just soo happy that they're always there for me. I mean during the lowest points of my freakin lovelife. But soon they'll grow tired of me. tired of my rants of the failed relationship. they have their own problems to worry about.

haaay

it's not that i wanna make up with bryan. It's not that i want him back! god! i'm too good for him. naaks!
bitaw, i mean i'll never be happy with him. I'll never be my best me with him.

but i guess, angel's right. maybe it'll pay to face the challenge. Maybe it's worthwhile to let it out on him. no matter how pathetic it might seem. Maybe, it would help me accept things as they are, faster and realistically.

not like this na mura ko'g luoy kaau.
na i'm pretending like it didn't bother me at all, when the truth is that, i just hate him from the crown of my head to tip of my toes.

i hate him for hurting me. I hate him for using me. I hate him for lying to me. I hate him for everything, that I wish he'll just vanish in the face of the earth.

atay lang, i wanna curse him and wish that's he'll have a miserable life. That he'll suffer like the way I did. But i guess karma has it's way of finding people. KArma will find him. Just how it found me. bitter, empty, halllow....

this too shall pass

I've been reading articles about moving on, about getting a new life. Really, it does sound or appear soo easy and exciting to actually do something new just for myself. yet its not easy. never easy. I wish I could just toss all the memories into thin air and say 'hey im moving on'.
But he's still here. The memories are haunting me.

I could put up a happy face to everybody but i'll never be able to fool myself.
I'm rotting inside, broken, empty.
But surely, no matter how painful it might seem right now.
No matter how dark my situation is.
Surely, this too shall pass.
I will be able to genuinely smile and fall in love again.
for all it's worth.... to the right guy now please.

I'm looking forward to that day, that life will not be about bryan rowell seccaro.
That life will be all about me being happy