back to square one

now I'm back to square one. To where I started. Because I was stupid enough to trip to the same gutter again! What was I thinking. No I wasn't even thinking. I allowed my wicked emotions to get over me.

And I am so tired. Tired of hoping and getting disppointed eventually. I've hurt him again because I don't wanna be hurt anymore. I had to hurt to keep him away from me. I wouldn't be good for him anyway, just as how he wasn't good for me.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why do I still feel bad about everything despite him cursing me left and right, despite all the verbal abuse and manipulations. I guess I expected too much that we finally had the connection. I thought he'd understand. But he didn't.

I guess that's who and how we are, we cannot co-exist with out pulling each other down. And that is "US", that's not me all along! So I should probably stop taking all the blame. It is not going to help me. Never.

So how do we start now?

A good long cry perhaps? I can do that now.

Change my cellphone number? That is a must. (and of course delete his phone number-which I fortunately do not memorize)

get myself busy...

But how do you actually see the brighter side of the situation when you are in the dark? wa na jud ni. leche nah!