untitled

I don't think I'd like to be with him ever again. It is just not right and it doesn't feel right at all. I guess I don't love him anymore. It's now more of a pity towards him---at least that's what he's trying to make me feel. He's trying to appear hopeless so I'd take him back.

But I've done so much in my life right now. I've build up too much safeguards already so I don't fell in the same tricky trap again.

And I've had so much drama and family conflicts last year. I can't go through that again especially now when things are slowly getting better for us. And I just don't feel it is ever worth it to risk it all again.

But why oh why do I feel still feel bad about all this?

I can only do so much. I tried to be a friend to him and he can't accept that it's all I could offer for now. He doesn't care about how I feel at all. He doesn't even give a damn on making things right--for him, for me, for us.

I wish I have a friend right now. right beside me who help me mull things over, digest the reality in front of me and get through the pain.

I guess... I have someone...

I am not alone at all. God got my back.

Me is thinking of him...

I am actually getiing used to burying all the painful thoughts deep inside my head. And every single day, I try so hard not to revisit that place in my head by trying to get my self busy.

Today, I was of course answering emails, I swear I was not thinking of him but somehow my subconsious is sending me signals to get my attention. Out of nowhere, wala nakakanta naxad ko'g sad lovesong. It's not even a song that I normally hear everyday. It's like an old old popular song back when I was just a kid, daydreaming about my own lovestory. whew! take a look at the chorus of the lyrics.

"'di ko kaya ang limutin kita,
Masdan mong lumuluha ang aking mga mata
Pigilin ko man akoy nasasaktan
Ang katotohanan ay mahal parin kita.."

And then sometime last week, i was also singing a song I didn't even thought of singing!

"Long ago, and oh so far away
I fell in love with you
Before the second show
Your guitar it sounds so sweet and clear
But you're not really here,
It's just the radio

Don't you remember you told me
You loved me baby
You said you'd be coming back
This way again baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby,
Oh baby, I love you
I really do

Don't you remember you told me
You loved me baby
You said you'd be coming back
This way again baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby
Oh baby, I love you
I really do

Loneliness is such a sad affair
And I can hardly wait
To be with you again
What you say to make you come again
Come back to me again
And play your sad guitar

Don't you remember you told me
You love me baby
You said you'd be coming back
This way again baby
Baby baby baby baby
Oh baby I love you
I really do

Don't you remember you told me
You love me baby
You said you'd be coming back
This way again baby
Baby baby baby baby
Oh baby I love you
I really do"

grabe, every neurons in my cluttered and deprived head seemed to be screaming how and what I really feel inside. I love him. I still do love him. leche!

	Meiko - Heard it all before.mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

so is this the part where we say goodbye?

It's been almost 3 months now, but why don't I feel any better?

It doesn't really feel any better. not at all!

And what could be more worst than realizing things I was trying bury in the deepest corner of my consciousness.

I guess the real struggle in moving do not end when two parties finally says goodbye. In fact, it looks like its only getting started.

God, it seems like it's never going to end. Like, I'm just going in circle. Like, I'll never be happy again without him. Like, the best thing to do now to throw my pride out of the window and get back together.

But seriously, after all I've been through? kini pah?!? di ko makaya?!

joke!!!! :-(

...

I guess that’s the hardest part of moving on. It’s letting go of the memories. Letting go of what used to be and accepting that that’s all there is for now. That, all it’s gonna be are memories. And of course trying to accept that everything that has happened was for the best interest of everyone. That no matter how hard and painful the break up was, it was the right thing to do at the given circumstance.

Certainly, there were more than one reason why I had to let him go. I love him but as the song puts it “sometimes love ain’t enough”. I just needed to break it off because I don’t feel loved and respected. I don’t feel special and I never felt that I was someone important in his life. And just how scared I was, He was somehow reluctant to let the world know that I am his girlfriend. I guess I never felt that he was proud of me.

Another thing is that, I just needed to regain my self worth. I lost it to have him and it turn out that I wasn’t really made to live without it. I have to have it with me always. I was brought up by the family to be the kind of person who lives up to her principles and values. And it just wont’ work if I don’t have it otherwise that would mean I was loved not for the person I truly were. To cut the long story short, I wasn’t at my best when we became a couple. I sold my self short. My parents know it, God knows it, and I know it deep inside.

It wasn’t right at all but that doesn’t change the fact of course that I had loved him with all this heart could ever offer. I trusted him despite everything. I learned to care for him, for his future and how he felt. I actually learned so much from him. Thus, what we had was never really a waste.

For the very first time, I learned to trust a man no matter how hard it may seem. I learned to look beyond the surface and loved him regardless of who he was, what he has done and what he never did. I loved him for who he was, I loved his pain, i loved how he smiles at me, I loved how he seemed to need me to make him feel safe, like how I make him feel that at that precise moment he has a place in this planet where he truly belongs, where he was always wanted.

I actually felt terribly sad that I can’t do it anymore because I was hurt so much. And I’m just too scared. Scared too much to go through the same pain again.

But I shall not forget those afternoons where we’ll just hang out at the soccer field clutching our favourite drinks and favourite snack food---chicharon. I shall not forget how he used to surprise me with fruits at my doorstep. I shall not forget how we laugh our hearts out till it's impossible to breath. I shall not forget how blissfull it was as we used to cuddle and talk about making our own family and how afraid we were to lose each other. I shall not forget how he used to help me with my laundry when I'm feeling to lazy to do it my own. I shall not forget how sweet he was when he’ll ask me to cook him corned beef. I shall not forget how silly we can get around each other. I shall not forget how we giggle while walking at the mall and laugh like nothing in the world ever matters. I shall not forget how safe it feels to go out and go to Fuente Osmena with him at 3 in the morning. I shall never forget how we adore and desire each other. I shall never forget how crazy we can get around each other. I shall never forget how happy we were while we eat our breakfast together.


I shall never forget that once, on April 13, 2008, there was Banaku and Asawaku. And yabku and cilingan.

	Meiko - Under My Bed .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

the bryanfretzch remake?

seriously!!! this can't be happening? I'm tangled up again with a guy who has an unfinished romantic business???


last night I met with glenn to finally put a closure to whatever we have started. I was scared that my stomach was turning inside out yet at the same time i know I was ready to finally let him go. To finally admit to myself that there's no way I'll ever consider having a relationship with him.

I so planned it and funny thing was when I was on my way to Mcdo, I was even silently praying that he'll show up as rugged and as yagit as he always do, so it would be easier to stick to the plan. Which he did! (don't remind me of the nails eww!)

But somehow, it turned out that it wasn't us who needs a closure. It was his pathetic girlfriend. How did I learned about this? Well, I thought Glenn was trying to lie his way in. So, i dared him to ask his ex to come and see me so we all could talk about this mess that she had accused me of. Glenn even showed me his text messages and his Ex's reply. To cut the long story short, his ex bailed and admitted that they're done for good.

But I quiet remember the text says about "what happened between us, wla na to!) And of course I asked glenn to make things clearer for me. To make me understand. And all I got is a shallow and suspicious explanation. hmmm(wonders) did they slept together?---When? was it during the time Glenn was courting me?

Goodluck na jud... This can't be serious. I don't know what the hell was I thinking.

Haaay basta. All i know is that I was kilig last night that Glenn made an effort to clear things with me and was man enough to say sorry and admit that it was his mistake and even promised me that he's gonna make it right. Somehow, it felt good that someone actually was afraid to lose me. That someone values me.

but who knows when's this feeling gonna last.



Well, pardon me with my unkind words. i just can't believe there's still a girl nowadays who'll play the martyr type. Hmmp sad!

yet again...

I just recently learned that sailorman already had a girlfriend.

Wow! all this time I was feeling so bad at myself for not returning his calls or answering her text messages. I felt like shit when he was not worthy of any remorse in the first place.

And I can't help being scared of how the next guys' gonna turn out. Is he gonna be just like Bryan and Glenn? Would he look at me like I'm good for nothing?

I know that Bryan and Glenn does not necessarily represent the entire XY population. Not every male in this planet is a cheating bastard. Someday, at the right time cupid is gonna be kind to and give me someone worthy of my love, my time and everything that I'd be willing to give.

Good thing, it did not really hurt that much. I never really loved him anyway. I only had my ego bruised. Thank god I didn't fell into the same trap again since we're already slowly becoming more intimate with each other.

Somehow, it looks like God has always been there to watch out for me. And it's amazing how God plotted the events to make me realize that I should always listen to what my heart says. That I should not ignore my gut feel and for once just let him work his way to help me meet the right person.

I believe i am a good(looking) person! hahaha surely there will be someone out there who's gonna sweep me off my feet and who'll in the same way fall madly inlove with me.

	Meiko - Reasons to love you .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

long ago and oh so far away

I just missed how we used to be.. I just missed how we used to laugh with each other. I missed holding his hands. I missed lying in bed beside him. I missed cooking for him. I missed how I used to love him. I missed him. I missed us.

Just this evening I've had an amazing conversation with my teammates. They made me realize something I've been trying soo hard not to mind. Something I've been trying to deny myself. grief. pain. lose. I never admitted that I was feeling such. I only knew I'm not okey, that there is something wrong with me. I thought i could go on with my charade. But I can't, it's always there. The pain is always there.

As Noeh puts it.. 'fretzch, stop acting like you're not affected at all. Stop acting too strong. Stop acting like you can get away with it. Stop pretending like you're okay now. Stop caring about what people say. Start caring about yourself and real friends will understand.

And I hope they will. Coz lately I've been so disoriented, disorganized, lost. It seems like I don't even know what I wanted to do anymore. Like eveything that I do, I always have to put my family's needs first.

And of course, it is not okay. I might be putting up this happy face but who knows when all this bottled emotions start tearing me down.