what goes around comes around...

ayan, here you are crying in front of me.. begging me to take you back.
Don't you think it's a little bit late now for a conversation?

I'm done crying for you...
I'm done hoping you'll come and tell me you love me...
I'm done waiting...

I'm sorry for how I gave up on you.
It looks like you never expected it.

And for the most part of it, we're done dude.
It's over, so just get the hell out of my life.

You had me in the palms of your hand, yet you let it all split away.

As Justin Timberlake puts it,

"Is this the way it's really going down baby?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around."

still, i love you... still i hope that you'll be able to forgive yourself.
Still, i wish you the best things that life could offer.
Our love... it had a tragic death... but it was a sweet 1 year and 9 months... and that's all there is for now.

Goodbye banaku.

21 and counting

21 days and counting...
since we broke up.

I know I could pull this off till the 30th. Just as long as I don't see either him or the girl. I'm so far okay, although occasionally I still think of him. Just like when I go home last night, I still think of him. Of how he's doing these days, who he is with or what he might be up to now.

But definitely, I'm getting there. I'm starting to get the hang of it. And soon enough everything will be fine.fine.fine. Time, I believe, will make things better for me when it doesn't hurt that much anymore to look at him.

and that day is yet to come!

my own pseudo relationship

it barely 2 weeks since we broke up.
Yes i've been counting and for the past days my reaction to the situation is surprisingly the same.

just flat.normal.empty.hallowed out.

sometimes, i just find myself staring blankly at the white ceiling in our bedroom,
literally thinking nothing.

thinking about how paint could be so spotless, it seemed so endless.

just like how i feel at that precise moment.

the pain has not sink in yet.

and it scares me a bit that it's just around the corner waiting for the perfect time to inflict me.

but I know, i'll have to go through it to finally move on.

I can't forever pretend that it didn't bother me at all.

But then again, I guess I shouldn't stress myself out worrying about what may happen next.

what ever will happen will happen, whether I don't get enough sleep thinking about what waiting for me ahead.

It's gonna happen regardless.

I'm just gonna have to have a little faith in myself that whatever life may bring me, i could definitely pull it off!

damn it!

pseudo relationship

Pseudo relationships
I got this from friendster. See if you can relate to this one. :)
~~~~~

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.
It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro." Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong setup ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?

Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.

For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.
Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.
My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."

Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.

Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.
Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.

Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya� almost, but not quite.Posted by suplada at October 13, 2004 12:49 AM

a piece of advice

In a brief conversation, a man, speaking to a woman, was out to pursue the question, "What kind of man are you looking for?"

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asked, "Do you really want to know?"
Reluctantly, he said, "Yes" as she began to expound...


"As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself.

I pay my own bills.

I take care of my household without the help of any man- or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, 'What can you bring to the table?'"


The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money... I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.

She said,


"I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection Mentally. I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man.

I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection Spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... Believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.

I need a man who is striving for perfection Financially because I don't need a financial burden.

I am looking for someone who is Sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but Strong enough to keep me grounded.

I am looking for someone who I can Respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive... He just has to be worthy.

God made woman to be a helpmate for man. At this point, I can't help a man if he can't help himself."


When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face, and exclaimed, "You're asking for a whole lot!"

To which she gracefully replied...

"Only if you think I'm not WORTH a lot.

laptop

i just dated adrenaline rush today!
yun he accompanied me to check out some laptop at the mall. And then right after that, we went to colon and we had lunch there, his treat of course.

It was fun at least.
He's cute but I just realize that he wasn't really that cute.
I dunno how to classify him.
If he's really bugoy or not.
well, at least how he's trying to project himself is like this...

he's childish and oh so eager to be my boyfie, to the extent that he gets so annoyingly pushy sometimes.
he doesn't get me.
he doesn't understand every single word I say.
he's selfish and won't respect my decisions.
he smokes a lot.--like he smoked twice, in front of me.
duh!
but then he's cute...
but i think he doesn't measure up to my standards now...
ambot lang....

he's not capable to provide me my needs as a lady...
he's just a kid... saonz

and now he's calling me aggain and I just don't feel like answering the phone.---grrr sorry glenn!

i'm kinda excited nah...
coz, im gonna buy our laptop tommorow!!!

oooww sweet!! how good can it get!!!

hehhehehe

lovely.

a former crush/classmate just told me last night that I was his crush way back in college. haha He told me, i have a beautiful smile and that he just find me cute. He even told me that I shouldn't be sad coz im pretty with a happy face.

course! i got so kilig and all but i never believed each word he said.
i was kilig and that's it...
perhaps that makes me wiser than before.

hahahha

anyway, yesterday, got lmy insecurities wallowing me up again.
Made me more irate than usual. Made my brows cross!
and made me curse facebook!

it's just not that easy to see him and the girl oie!!
the girl is pretty but she's no brainer than I am!!
hello lang... she's nothing more than a pretty face. She's not even that pretty atay lang...

ambot oie, normal man siguro ni ako nafeel xad...

what worse pa is i feel so grumpy these days to fix myself. god!

pero duh! i can't let them win!!!

saonz nalng!!!

i can miss him and everything that we used to do.
but it's no brainer to want to be with him again.
katangahan. kagagahan. istupida!

he's not even worth my time.
he never worthy of anything.
he's a bum.
a good for nothing guy.

as Felix of One Tree hill puts it...

"that's how bad guys get away with it, because girls give them the benefit of the doubt"

haaay,

wala na ngang ginawang tama, gumawa pa ng mali!
he definitely needs a big letter "L" in his forehead.
what a rel downright LOSER!!!

empty. hallow. bruised

how can be feeling like this.
empty.
i don't feel anything.
remorse..
remorse towards him.
i felt so much remorse, that i don't even remember if I ever loved him.
or how it felt when i still loved him.
i have almost forgotten it...
almost..
but ever quite completely...
but in time, i trust God and myself that everything will fall back right to its places.

no matter how hopeless it might seem.
I'm gonna forgive and forget.

break up blues

it's barely 6days since we broke up.
6 days....
6days....
it was just 6days... but it felt like 6 months.
the memory of 'us' felt like a distant past now. I hope its because im starting to recover... but it looks like i'm missing it instead... haaay

anyway, 6 days...
6days....
a lot can happen in the following days. what could possibly happen to me if the ill feelings starts wallowing me upside down?
I'm scared because of a lot of reasons. I'm scared that I might not be able to function well. Like do my obligations.
you see I have my little sister with me and she's my responsibility. And I really don't wanna be a burden to anyone else.

like my friends, I'm just soo happy that they're always there for me. I mean during the lowest points of my freakin lovelife. But soon they'll grow tired of me. tired of my rants of the failed relationship. they have their own problems to worry about.

haaay

it's not that i wanna make up with bryan. It's not that i want him back! god! i'm too good for him. naaks!
bitaw, i mean i'll never be happy with him. I'll never be my best me with him.

but i guess, angel's right. maybe it'll pay to face the challenge. Maybe it's worthwhile to let it out on him. no matter how pathetic it might seem. Maybe, it would help me accept things as they are, faster and realistically.

not like this na mura ko'g luoy kaau.
na i'm pretending like it didn't bother me at all, when the truth is that, i just hate him from the crown of my head to tip of my toes.

i hate him for hurting me. I hate him for using me. I hate him for lying to me. I hate him for everything, that I wish he'll just vanish in the face of the earth.

atay lang, i wanna curse him and wish that's he'll have a miserable life. That he'll suffer like the way I did. But i guess karma has it's way of finding people. KArma will find him. Just how it found me. bitter, empty, halllow....

this too shall pass

I've been reading articles about moving on, about getting a new life. Really, it does sound or appear soo easy and exciting to actually do something new just for myself. yet its not easy. never easy. I wish I could just toss all the memories into thin air and say 'hey im moving on'.
But he's still here. The memories are haunting me.

I could put up a happy face to everybody but i'll never be able to fool myself.
I'm rotting inside, broken, empty.
But surely, no matter how painful it might seem right now.
No matter how dark my situation is.
Surely, this too shall pass.
I will be able to genuinely smile and fall in love again.
for all it's worth.... to the right guy now please.

I'm looking forward to that day, that life will not be about bryan rowell seccaro.
That life will be all about me being happy